If you’re an avid follower of my blog, you know I love to build and take on home renovation projects. This past week, I spent most of my days down at my sister-in-law and brother’s house working on their nursery. For baby Lucas, coming in April. πŸ™‚ I love to listen to talk radio when I’m working on projects.

I came across a podcaster, Jamie Ivey, and binge-listened to her over the course of several days. Such good stuff!

I have always been a worrier. But since Corey’s accident this has intensified. This particular podcast hit me hard. It was about fear. Fear grips me and the Enemy knows where my weaknesses are. Since Corey’s accident I have doubted God’s protection over my family. He didn’t protect Corey. Our entire lives were turned upside-down. How do I trust a God who failed me? How do I trust Him to keep my children safe?

All of these doubts harbor up control issues. If I control the situation, I can keep everyone safe. If I hold onto fear, I can control it too. If I lose that control or I let go of fear, my family could become very vulnerable. What if God shakes our world again? What if the worse case scenario happens?

GOD IS STILL GOD! Take the worse case scenario to the very end and what are you left with? God is still God! In the end that’s what really matters. The reality is, bad things happen. It’s the world we live in. When tragedy strikes, all you can see is what’s right in front of you.

I thought I would be in the valley forever. Four and a half years ago, I couldn’t imagine ever being happy again. But God has restored my joy. Sure, I still have my sad times. But joy far outweighs those moments. The valley doesn’t last forever, no matter how devastating it is.

God is faithful and He has protected my family in more ways than I’ll ever know, here on earth. Letting go of gripping-fear will be a tough endeavor for me. It will be a process that will take some time, I’m sure. But I am going to try to be intentional about letting go of the control fear has on my life. I’m starting out with focusing on…No matter what happens, God is still God.

Unknown

July 21, 2011:

Oh my, what a night last night!! I had such a good day yesterday. I was encouraged and looking forward to the fact that you’re ready for rehab. And THEN I got a text….and my whole mood changed. Now I am more discouraged than I think I have been through this journey thus far. It was from a friend who is also a speech therapist. At first she was just asking how you were doing. But then she asked me some more specific questions that led me down a rabbit trail of my own questions.

Through all of this, she was TEXTING me a lot of medical jargon. It was late at night and of course I was filled with worry. I ended up calling her to try to have a more specific, clear, layman’s terminology conversation. More fear begot more fear as she was telling me it’s very possible you may never comprehend language again and/or never be able to speak again.

These were scenarios I had never even considered before. All this time I’ve been believing that you will talk again. And it just takes time following something so tragic. We actually ended up getting disconnected…totally a God-thing, I believe. The more she talked the more I was filled with fear. Until I was drowning in it and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I took my Xanax, slept 4 hours and took it again. I finally forced myself out of bed at 9, knowing I needed to get up to the hospital to see you. My dad called trying to encourage me, after I told him what happened. Then my sister came over and tried to encourage me more. It did help a little. Where would I be without my family?

Once at the hospital, I learned you had already completed OT and PT and had done great. I could not shake my fear and sick feeling in my stomach. I laid down on “my chair” most of the early afternoon and tried to sleep away my fears.

Only to add to my anxiety for the day, I had a 2:00 phone appointment with your broker/dealer to discuss ways to keep your business moving forward while you’re in the hospital. Chad and I both sat in on this meeting. It went very well. They were encouraged by the plan of having Chad (my brother) take over till you’re able to return.

When I got back to your room, I laid my head on your chest and you put your arm around me. That did a LOT to lift my spirits.

Later, your PT came in and gave me a pep talk. She had gotten word about my discouraging phone conversation last night and wanted to assure me..you are doing great! She said you’re only 2 weeks into this and have already exceeded their expectations. She left me with a new sense of encouragement.

God has come through once again. πŸ™‚ I have been praying all day, “God give me some hope.” I’m leaving your room tonight with just that–HOPE!

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